I've been awake for a while and much has happened since i last slept. I've been to vermont and back, work and back twice, and school and back twice on only two and a half hours. Today in my Great Traditions class we talked about freud. I was busy sleeping through everything last week and didn't have the readings because of that, but i still managed to contribute more to the class than anyone save for the strange old lady who kinda just lets words escape from herself. Its not that she doesn't think about what she says, its just the way that she speaks and I write this in the nicest way possible; she's really a very kind lady for the most part. I don't understand why the rest of my class(4 other people) couldn't say anything. Not one word. I felt bad for the proffessor, he was trying so hard to get a good discussion going. Basing my wild assumptions of what freud's stance is on the subjects of love, sex, relegion, and life on the vague views i've heard he holds from things i've heard about him in the past, I managed to strike pretty close to the mark. My proffessor, the woman who perpetually seems so tired, and I had a pretty good conversation. At the start the i could tell the woman thought of me as just another insolent, opinionated teen with my camo shorts and hooded sweatshirt(hood up because i was cold) and was taken aback when i coldly assured her she was wrong about me. The subject was freuds 3 classes of people came up. We deduced they were as follows: the erotic person, the narsicistic person, and the action based person. The proffessor asked us what we thought each of us were and obviously everyone looked down at their notebooks to avoid eye contact. I immediatly said, "I think that i try to be action-based but end up being erotic" A few of the kids chuckled and the woman told me that I misunderstood freud's use of erotic, even though we had just discussed what he ment. I snapped back with, "no i understand completely that it is someone who holds relationships with others most dear and seeks solace in others and that my plight at this time in my life is that i would love to go into the woods for 6 years like thoreau or hike the appalachian trail but i need the company of my friends to much to just up and leave". My proffessor clapped his hands together and seemed excited that i wasn't just a shell that had placed itself in a chair in his room like the filth i was surrounded by. I was embarressed that they all looked down at the xerox's of freud's writings that sat in front of them every time the Pierce(the prof) asked anything. They may as well have been staring straight at the table. A narcistic person, obviously is someone who holds themself most dear but not in a bad way more along the lines of they want to work things out themselves, and an action-based person holds actions most dear. Someone who wants to change the world or do something that matters.

I'm ranting and my lack of sleep tends to make me more judgemental and quick to act upon emotions alone. I had a point in the last paragraph but it's lost in the swirling torrent of thoughts buzzing around between my ears. I don't like having personel secrets and have precious few. If i let everyone in on the deepest darkest dungeons of my mind then nothing can come crashing down on me later if someone finds out. That said i also see the benefits to people not knowing certain things and will never, even under threats or pain of torture will i divulge things that people ask for me to keep secret. Generally i try to give people the benefit of the doubt but i end up being nice to a lot of people who probably don't deserve it. I think a lot at work without my ipod. It generally winds back to liz. I've been over it over and over again since last week weighted so many posibilities and decided that i'm not going to let her go or just give up like i've done all to much(and sometimes not enough) in the past. I'm not bumdoggin right now I actually feel optimistic. Either optimistic or stubborn :) im not quite sure which it is but either way i feel good about it. After seeing the ergs last night it hit me harder that they're breaking up, i can't imagine how jim and also lane feel, i'm just a new fan. I want to see them more before they're gone forever always hoping for a reunion.

Standing in vermont during everything falls apart i thought about how true that is. Everythign comes to an end. The ergs, relationships, lives, planets, everything. I thought back to a few weeks ago when we were talking about black holes and the hadron collider. Things that i think i should worry about i don't anymore most of it seems so trivial. For the most part i do what i like and i like what i do. My writing class is something i just do before i get to my sociology/humanities class and i'd like to know german. Thats how i justify school to myself right now, its a weak argument and a lot of times doesn't hold up for me. I look forward to more trips with friends whether they're three hours or three days or three months. The conversations may not always be cheery flowers and cake yayaya but i always come away feeling better somehow. I like the quote "hope is the last thing a person does before they fail" but it doesn't dissuade me from hoping a lot. I put far too much happy stock in having a relationship with a girl and could convince myself that almost any girl was great for me but i really think that i have something with liz. We like almost all of the same stuff, its not just that we both like some of the same bands or that we both play some video game, or even just that she liked me at some point. We watched 3 movies back to back and i enjoyed every second of it. The feeling seemed mutual. It was im pretty sure of it. I'm going to keep at it. I can really see us being best friends and more. not just friends :P Did i lie about bumdoggin? nah i still honestly feel really good right now looking forward to the future. I'm going to sleep now for a while but this time just because im tired, not because theres no lonely times when you sleep :)