i wish i wrote about happy things more.

well the way i'm begining to look at it is i vent all my bile and sadness here so i can be more happy the rest of the time. I'd like to borrow a metaphor my hero henry rollins uses. I'm like a space shuttle. I'm burning off the fuel in the extra tanks then dropping them back to earth so i can burn more efficently thereafter. so i don't want anyone to think all i do is bumdogg lately becuase i've been on the same rollercoaster of emotion as i have been all year. There have been quite a few higher highs lately though and almost no lower lows.

anyway, last night i was watching a movie called "where the buffalo roam" about hunter s. thompsan and bill murray(as hunter) said anything worth doing is worth doing right. Its obviously a statement i've heard before but this time it got me to thinking. I don't live like that. I do so many things half-assed and i think a lot of it is because i feel like so much that i do isn't worth doing. Namely going to college. I'm not sure if transferring to a better school will make me feel any better because even at amherst i was almost completely unmotivated to do any schoolwork. I am told that college does matter by so many but i'm just not feeling it. I think i'd be happier if i was still working full time but i remember being not happy with working fulltime too so im stuck in a grass is always greener predicament. I'd like to stick to the anything worth doing policy more in my life and see how it goes since i've just about tested the limits of the bullshit just about everything outlook on life. I have visions of things i could do successfully without schooling and it doesn't help that the people i look up to most never went to college or only stayed there a year. The difference between them and myself is determination. I haven't found anything i really want to do other than travel and like i've mentioned before i'm hesitant about doing that because i'd miss you guys so much. I've been looking into doing habitat for humnaity for 10 months in california but i'd rather stay here and move out with lane, tom, doe, and any other of you. I think i'm just going to start getting better at saving and then work my ass off between trips to places. I felt truly alive in the south and look forward to doing something along thos lines again. The Pinnacle of these are my 3 big crusades i'm planning for sometime in the next 5 years or so. Appalachan Trail, Gnarley Road Trip, and Conquering Europe.