nothing good will come of this.

so i've deleted the stupid bullshit i started spewing and have decided not to move in any direction but away from this for now. Maybe when i'm not diving headfirst into my 3rd shift in a row with only one 4hour gap i'll write something nice and happy and funny because that is how i feel usually when i'm not up to my neck in my 2nd all-nighter in a week. Sup swimming metaphors? i wish that it were warm and i were in a pool. I'll toss wining the lottery in there too just in case.

Don't call it a comeback

I've been here for years?

Anyway it's been like 2 months. SF2 HD Remix is a lot of fun, thanksgiving time was no more or less interesting than any other time of the year for me. On friday my family is going to get a christmas tree and i'm replacing the cinco phone with the titanium version of tom's phone. I'm playing wow again and thoroughly enjoying it. On Monday i'll be flying down to Orlando for fun and sun but mostly jetblue training. I plan on using the hotel's gym, sauna, and free breakfast buffet quite a bit. I'm getting back late on the 17th and i might be going to see a movie about vampires the weekend after with a girl i met online.

It always amazes me how wrong i can be. Well maybe wrong is the wrong word for it. My views change and things that seemed so absurd or stupid to me before now suddenly seem completely legitimate and good. When I last blogged i felt that online dating was for desperate/lonely middle aged men and women. I then joined an online dating site and started talking to a few girls. Most of them didn't respond back but i don't blame them as i did the same thing to a few girls myself(i'm not bragging it was very few girls that even bothered messaging me). I joined a different site a while ago but after creating an account I never really went back to it. So anyway after joining i went through the this process

-What do i have to lose? also i'm bummin tonight
-If these are for sad/desperate people am I sad and desperate?
-I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type :P
-This seems convenient and my biggest qualm about talking to girls is that they are probably in a relationship. I do always wish that people had a little sign above them to say single/occupied
- I'ma message every girl i think is interesting and maybe one of them will respond!
-Wooo she's a biggun and a terrible person ta boot not gonna reply to that one!
-Hey this girl named emily responded to me, this could be cool

Then we started talking on aim and now we text 'n stuff yaya. So thats who i was texting yesterday tom :)

I wasn't just thinking about online dating when i mentioned that it amazes me how much i can change my views. CP and I had great philosophical sleep deprived conversations on the way up to canada when we went to pick up Ruby and Lauren. More on my views later because i'm typing this while laying on my stomach in bed so i can't feel my back anymore and i'm going to work out soon.

Also this may be ridikolus but i'm starting to like the lyrical stylings of ll cool j

i wish i wrote about happy things more.

well the way i'm begining to look at it is i vent all my bile and sadness here so i can be more happy the rest of the time. I'd like to borrow a metaphor my hero henry rollins uses. I'm like a space shuttle. I'm burning off the fuel in the extra tanks then dropping them back to earth so i can burn more efficently thereafter. so i don't want anyone to think all i do is bumdogg lately becuase i've been on the same rollercoaster of emotion as i have been all year. There have been quite a few higher highs lately though and almost no lower lows.

anyway, last night i was watching a movie called "where the buffalo roam" about hunter s. thompsan and bill murray(as hunter) said anything worth doing is worth doing right. Its obviously a statement i've heard before but this time it got me to thinking. I don't live like that. I do so many things half-assed and i think a lot of it is because i feel like so much that i do isn't worth doing. Namely going to college. I'm not sure if transferring to a better school will make me feel any better because even at amherst i was almost completely unmotivated to do any schoolwork. I am told that college does matter by so many but i'm just not feeling it. I think i'd be happier if i was still working full time but i remember being not happy with working fulltime too so im stuck in a grass is always greener predicament. I'd like to stick to the anything worth doing policy more in my life and see how it goes since i've just about tested the limits of the bullshit just about everything outlook on life. I have visions of things i could do successfully without schooling and it doesn't help that the people i look up to most never went to college or only stayed there a year. The difference between them and myself is determination. I haven't found anything i really want to do other than travel and like i've mentioned before i'm hesitant about doing that because i'd miss you guys so much. I've been looking into doing habitat for humnaity for 10 months in california but i'd rather stay here and move out with lane, tom, doe, and any other of you. I think i'm just going to start getting better at saving and then work my ass off between trips to places. I felt truly alive in the south and look forward to doing something along thos lines again. The Pinnacle of these are my 3 big crusades i'm planning for sometime in the next 5 years or so. Appalachan Trail, Gnarley Road Trip, and Conquering Europe.

A wise man once said, "fuck school! yay friends!" dwelling on this today made me decide that i'm going to see the ergs! in canada. sociology can deal.

skunkfu sucks

I hate people who don't use their directionals. It's ignorant as fuck. Today I was in a good mood for some reason and decided to let some bitch go. I didn't see a left turn directional so i figured she'd just sneak out in front of me. Turns out she just sucks. She pulled out in front of me, completely cutting off any hope of forward progression, even though there was no sign of a gap or opening anytime in the forseeable future. After an eternity that probably summed up to a grand total of somewhere between one and two minutes she got in and i continued on my way home. I understand that it was my fault for assuming she knew how to work her shitbox minivan's intricacies and was taking a right turn. I also know that she only set me back by a little more than a minute but i lose enought to stupid people as it is. I want that minute back. That could get me to a kfc/taco bell one minute earlier.

I toyed with the idea of just posting "i hate people who don't use their directionals" but here i am explaning everything. Its not just in the situation described herein that i hate nondirectionalusers, i also hate the sudden slam on the brakes cause SURPRISE they're takin a turn ignent fucks and the arrogant or oblivious asshole on the highway who's just changin lanes all willy-nilly. I find on the highway it's almost always a dude in a big ol' contracter truck. Fuck them. That shit gets me all out for justice.

:) skunk fu is on and natty's asleep. im gonna go change the channel and curl up in a nest.

I've been awake for a while and much has happened since i last slept. I've been to vermont and back, work and back twice, and school and back twice on only two and a half hours. Today in my Great Traditions class we talked about freud. I was busy sleeping through everything last week and didn't have the readings because of that, but i still managed to contribute more to the class than anyone save for the strange old lady who kinda just lets words escape from herself. Its not that she doesn't think about what she says, its just the way that she speaks and I write this in the nicest way possible; she's really a very kind lady for the most part. I don't understand why the rest of my class(4 other people) couldn't say anything. Not one word. I felt bad for the proffessor, he was trying so hard to get a good discussion going. Basing my wild assumptions of what freud's stance is on the subjects of love, sex, relegion, and life on the vague views i've heard he holds from things i've heard about him in the past, I managed to strike pretty close to the mark. My proffessor, the woman who perpetually seems so tired, and I had a pretty good conversation. At the start the i could tell the woman thought of me as just another insolent, opinionated teen with my camo shorts and hooded sweatshirt(hood up because i was cold) and was taken aback when i coldly assured her she was wrong about me. The subject was freuds 3 classes of people came up. We deduced they were as follows: the erotic person, the narsicistic person, and the action based person. The proffessor asked us what we thought each of us were and obviously everyone looked down at their notebooks to avoid eye contact. I immediatly said, "I think that i try to be action-based but end up being erotic" A few of the kids chuckled and the woman told me that I misunderstood freud's use of erotic, even though we had just discussed what he ment. I snapped back with, "no i understand completely that it is someone who holds relationships with others most dear and seeks solace in others and that my plight at this time in my life is that i would love to go into the woods for 6 years like thoreau or hike the appalachian trail but i need the company of my friends to much to just up and leave". My proffessor clapped his hands together and seemed excited that i wasn't just a shell that had placed itself in a chair in his room like the filth i was surrounded by. I was embarressed that they all looked down at the xerox's of freud's writings that sat in front of them every time the Pierce(the prof) asked anything. They may as well have been staring straight at the table. A narcistic person, obviously is someone who holds themself most dear but not in a bad way more along the lines of they want to work things out themselves, and an action-based person holds actions most dear. Someone who wants to change the world or do something that matters.

I'm ranting and my lack of sleep tends to make me more judgemental and quick to act upon emotions alone. I had a point in the last paragraph but it's lost in the swirling torrent of thoughts buzzing around between my ears. I don't like having personel secrets and have precious few. If i let everyone in on the deepest darkest dungeons of my mind then nothing can come crashing down on me later if someone finds out. That said i also see the benefits to people not knowing certain things and will never, even under threats or pain of torture will i divulge things that people ask for me to keep secret. Generally i try to give people the benefit of the doubt but i end up being nice to a lot of people who probably don't deserve it. I think a lot at work without my ipod. It generally winds back to liz. I've been over it over and over again since last week weighted so many posibilities and decided that i'm not going to let her go or just give up like i've done all to much(and sometimes not enough) in the past. I'm not bumdoggin right now I actually feel optimistic. Either optimistic or stubborn :) im not quite sure which it is but either way i feel good about it. After seeing the ergs last night it hit me harder that they're breaking up, i can't imagine how jim and also lane feel, i'm just a new fan. I want to see them more before they're gone forever always hoping for a reunion.

Standing in vermont during everything falls apart i thought about how true that is. Everythign comes to an end. The ergs, relationships, lives, planets, everything. I thought back to a few weeks ago when we were talking about black holes and the hadron collider. Things that i think i should worry about i don't anymore most of it seems so trivial. For the most part i do what i like and i like what i do. My writing class is something i just do before i get to my sociology/humanities class and i'd like to know german. Thats how i justify school to myself right now, its a weak argument and a lot of times doesn't hold up for me. I look forward to more trips with friends whether they're three hours or three days or three months. The conversations may not always be cheery flowers and cake yayaya but i always come away feeling better somehow. I like the quote "hope is the last thing a person does before they fail" but it doesn't dissuade me from hoping a lot. I put far too much happy stock in having a relationship with a girl and could convince myself that almost any girl was great for me but i really think that i have something with liz. We like almost all of the same stuff, its not just that we both like some of the same bands or that we both play some video game, or even just that she liked me at some point. We watched 3 movies back to back and i enjoyed every second of it. The feeling seemed mutual. It was im pretty sure of it. I'm going to keep at it. I can really see us being best friends and more. not just friends :P Did i lie about bumdoggin? nah i still honestly feel really good right now looking forward to the future. I'm going to sleep now for a while but this time just because im tired, not because theres no lonely times when you sleep :)

Sleepday

morning
i'm sleeping the day away, skipping classes, and feeling positive about the whole thing. jim's gonna call when he gets out of work and we're going to tacobell to ensure continued sleep thereafter.

midday
I have awoken. When I sleep my body wakes me up after 4 hours or so pretty much no matter what now. It works out pretty well for the sleeping situations that i put myself in so often and today is no exception. Its almost time for jimmy to get out of work and for us to go to tacobell. The movie room is completely dark and i hear the cleaning lady moving around upstairs. In a post-sleep haze i was quite confused as to who it could be. I thought maybe it was still around 1:30 and natty hadn't left for his driving test yet but a quick glance at the clock put that theory to rest. Next i thought it was mrs. p but she told me and natty she was going to be out. I thought it might be cp because i thought i heard sounds in the other room but those are probably just the hippopotamus running around in the ceiling. Then i heard the voice. It was shrill and fast. Very high pitched and almost comical, but in this half sedated state it creeped me out quite a bit. Im teetering back and forth about whether to go upstairs and use the bathroom or not. I have to go but i don't want to surprise the cleaning lady because she's probably under the assumption that noone is in the house. I hear cp talking now so i'm going to venture forth. Either im going to pee or chase off some home invaders. I'm not sure which i'd enjoy more right now.

Turns out it was lauren :)